Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Spring is here and you know what that means, folks. It's time to get your garden tilled and planted. Are you looking for a secret weapon to give you that extra edge over your neighbors? Something that will guarantee red-ripe tomatoes in June and the tallest, most colorful coneflowers this side of the Mississippi? Well, I suggest you throw out that organic fish fertilizer and invest in a weatherproof stereo system. Decades of research have demonstrated that the use of audio energy can dramatically stimulate plant growth and produce more robust crops. Corporate farms have kept this information carefully guarded for years, but now Dr. George Milstein has finally made the technology available to the home gardener by electronically embedding special sound vibrations into a delightful collection of songs that you and your plants can enjoy. Don't take my word for it, though, just look at these satisfied listeners:

"Pumpkins in April?! Thanks Dr. Milstein!"

"We aren't midgets, we swear!"

"Now I have the biggest watermelons in Pike County!"

"Three words: POISON IVY LAWSUIT!"

Unfortunately the full album is required to grow large plants such as coconut palms and giant cycads, but the following selection of songs will grow enough fresh basil to make pesto for a family of six and give your Chia Pet a full coat of fur by morning. Play daily for best results and please keep us updated on the progress of your plants.

Song 1 (best for annuals & perennials)

Song 2 (for your herb garden)

Song 3 (for vegetables only)

Note: you may hear high frequency tones on occasion. Don't be alarmed, these are just some of the growth-stimulating energy waves that could not be hidden completely.

1 Comment:

SQ said...

OMG! I have this record -- did yours come with the gold-foil sealed packet of seeds??? I bought it because it reminded me of that book The Secret Lives of Plants, which I discovered quite by accident in the local library as a teen, during my gardening phase.